Trapped and thinking

Now I'm not claustrophobic but I have to say being stuck at work sucks! We are having a snow storm - somewhat unexpected as the weather forecast (which we all know is so reliable) said it was going to rain today. The roads are so backed up that our parking lot is also backed up – people are actually waiting in line in their cars trying to get out of our parking lot into the street! First time I've ever heard of this nonsense happening.

Okay so on to the topic of boys - a familiar topic in my blogs! Just recently my ex-boyfriend has been popping into my thoughts. Now when I say ex-boyfriend I mean over 5 years ago ex. We have been through a lot and we've kept in touch. Strangely this ex of mine has apparently been thinking about me as well as he called me for the first time in about a year. I can't decipher my thoughts just yet - as to why he popped into my head. I do tend to think about him when I start dating anyone new. He was a great guy but we really just did not click well together. I'm sure we all have a guy or two that we look back on and want to find someone similar to.

I guess I'm starting to think about whether we are keeping in touch for a reason? I mean do you keep your ex boyfriends close to you on the basis of potentially getting back together in the future? Some say exes are exes for a reason - meaning you tried the relationship, it didn't work, so move on. Easier said than done in some cases. So why do we chose NOT to move on? Is it for the second chance at the relationship at a latter time when you both are maybe more mature? Or is it simply loneliness – craving the affection you know is possible because of your ex?

M*A*S*H

I'm bored today and am avoiding doing actual work so I have chosen to get paid to write this blog as well as play M*A*S*H with my co-workers (I'm sure some of you remember that game which is usually played as a child or a young teen - not at age 26 while at work). If I had it my way I would marry Ashton Kutcher (move over Demi I'm closer to his age than you). We'd live in a house in Italy with 4 cute mini Ashtons while driving an Escalade and I would be a photographer for National Geographic - Please note these were not my real results from the game these are the results in my head :)

So lately I've been very motivated and determined. Now I'm not sure where this is all coming from but I have to say that I'm going to just go with it and see where it takes me. It may lead me somewhere that I've been dying to get to like to a new fabulous job, or to the gym to get my physique back however it may possibly just lead to disappointment. Hmmm, I highly doubt that as I'm sure I will at least find a new hobbie from this new found motivation. Speaking of, I have started a new yoga class that I love but it is only a 3 week course. Maybe this motivation will help me continue to practice on my own once the session ends next week.

I have no boy stories which is quite suprising since I usually have something, often times bad. Okay who am I kidding I can always talk about boys. So there is this guy that I've been talking to for over 2 years on and off again on MSN and text message. Strangely we get along great and have some sort of connection - mind you I really have some doubts as to how connected we can be since we've never met. Yes, this is true. We met online and have talked for what seems like forever but have not yet met in person. We've been recently talking about meeting and I'm excited (we'd be great friends if nothing else I'm sure) but I'm also so scared/nervous. I feel we've set up so many different types of expectations which I don't think is always a good thing since those expectations may not be valid once we meet. So does that lead us directly towards dissapointment? Is there a rule that I'm missing that says you should wait no longer than a month before actually meeting someone you've met online? Can you actually have or feel sexual chemistry through a keyboard? I'll let you know the answers once I meet this guy :)

Do clothes make the person or does the person make the clothes?

One of my previous blogs was about style and personality. To recap, I was saying how I think style can speak loudly and give a good insight of what someone is like. Some of us may say we don't have a certain style and that we are not attracted to just one style but for the most part we are to a degree. As an example of what I mean - you may not be attracted to the rapper-Gfunk style because you are not that style yourself. Or you may not be attracted to the pretty -preppy boy style either.

Now after thinking about this for a while I realized this all has to do with stereotypes. I personally do not find myself attracted to the pretty-preppy boy style for more than one reason. For one, I feel they are not the manly man I’m looking for. Two, I do not want a guy more into style and fashion than I am myself. Three, I have stereotyped this style to be arrogant and immature. Hate to say it, but all that is true of how I feel. Don’t get me wrong though, I can appreciate the beauty of said man and a good example is Justin Timerlake. I’m getting a little side tracked now as I dream, er think about hot JT. Back to my point - some of the old school dating games had a good concept when they put a screen between the eligible bachelors and the woman looking for love. This way she could hear what each guy had to say about themselves and certain situations, which gives you an idea of who they are and whether you'd be attracted to them or not.

In the end, after 50 years of marriage can you see your 80 year old husband wearing the collar up on his golf shirt, with ripped jeans and pumas? Don’t get me wrong, I personally think looks initiate the interest in the opposite sex – often we see someone we find attractive and we get to know them better to see if our personalities click.

Now to clarify, I do NOT think that the clothes you wear define you, but they can express a part of you. A close friend of mine shared an interesting quote with me not too long ago - "We do not attract what we want, but what we are". Now obviously, if you really read this, it applies to so much more than just style, but since that is the topic I thought about my own style in relation to this quote. I realized, I may not want a pretty preppy guy but I may attract one. Think of it this way, we all wake up in the morning and dress ourselves - well I hope so anyway at age 26 (there are a few exceptions to this rule, actually I can only think of one and that's if you are famous and have a personal shopper and stylist). You choose what you want to wear which in turn portrays a part of your own personality. And full circle we come back to the quote which says we attract what we are.

On a deeper level than just style think about this. If you portray a negative attitude when in a group setting do you really think a random hot stranger is going to want to approach you? Everyone should have confidence in who they are. Although clothes can show a little part of your personality they do not define someone. Be comfortable in your own skin - and others will be comfortable around you.

My first 2 miler

I ran my first race this past weekend, the Natal Day road race on August 7th. It was a 2 mile or 6 mile race and I wisely chose the 2 mile. I've been running for about a month now and I love it. Mind you, I used to run back in high school and first year university but I never really got into it - to be honest I somewhat hated it. I really think this was because I was running with other girls on my basketball team who could run really well. Now anyone that knows me knows I'm a competitive person so when I run with someone else I want to beat them! This made me push myself TOO hard which in turn made running not enjoyable. For the past month I've been running alone either in the morning or right after work. I guess I'm teaching myself to challenge myself instead of others all the time.

So, back to the race. A friend of mine did the race with me and both of us were a tad nervous the night before and the morning of. I swear seeing 1200 people piled into the street behind the start/finish line anxious to get the race started is rather intimidating. In fact, there was so many people there we had to walk for a little ways before starting any sort of running stride. I didn't realize how nervous I would be, but I can honestly say I felt vomitous with anxiety. Once the gunshot went (which I have to say made me feel like a professional) the anxiety went. I ended up running the 2 miles without stopping for a walk break (this is a step up for me as I've been running about 3K for a couple of weeks now and this was the first time I did 3K at a continuous pace).

It was very motivational and inspiring to see 1200 people willingly running. It was even more amazing to see a man with one leg on crutches cross the finish line or a 73 year old man cross the finish line after running the 6 miler.

My time was 20.53 and I placed 292 out of 548. Even though I didn't run this race to see where I placed I had hoped I wouldn't come last (I can't get rid of all my competition). Next I'll challenge myself to a 5K and of course to better my own time.

My little bubble - don't touch it!

So we all have our comfort zones, some are good and keep us sane, and others may be bordering obsessive-compulsive disorder. I'm not referring to the 'relationship comfort zone' which most people dread as they feel the relationship becomes routine and loses lust, excitement and drive. Hmm, I can't say as though I've ever experience this as my track record for relationships is a mere 3 months - no time there for any sort of comfort zone.

Anyway, the comfort zones I'm referring to are the more simple things. As an example I will give you two rules of thumb (straight from the crazy mind of moi). So first is the bathroom stall rule of thumb. In my mind, when there are 8 stalls to choose from and only one is taken (the one I'm in) do NOT take the one directly beside me. Why would you subconsciously even do such a thing? I know it's not as personal and 'open' as a urinal but it's still too close for comfort. The second (and yes I admit, I do have the border-line OCC comfort zones) is the close talker. The close talker usually stands abnormally close to you, so much so, that another millimeter would result in a kiss. To me, standing this close to someone causes them to look blurry, you to look cross-eyed and it's just plain weird - so don't do it.

All in all, I'm not crazy I just like my space. I do realize though, this may be something I'll have to work on in order to improve my relationship track record from 3 months to maybe even 6!

Can you define me?

I had a great conversation with an old friend a couple of days ago and I not only miss him but also the way he thinks. I feel we are on the same page sometimes and lately I feel like I'm in a world of my own. We started talking about careers and how so many people think it defines them or they search out a job they think will define them. Now I personally had quite a bit of trouble with this for the longest time. I felt I needed to find a job, even if it meant going back to school, that somewhat defined a part of me. Why do so many of us do this? I know I know its society. Just think about it for a second though. How many people ask you what you do when you first meet them? If you say something like, 'I work at McDonalds' then they are probably going to give you a blank stare. If you say something like 'I'm a doctor' they give you this look like you ARE somebody. Then they usually go on to say "oh really that's wonderful. You save lives daily... incredible".

Our careers are really only a portion of our lives. Be it a large portion when you think of how much time you spend in your tiny jail cell cubicle. But honestly, so many other things define who I am and I really don't think I can simply be defined by one aspect. Sure I may hate my job, but I have so many other things worth talking about which are so much more interesting than my job or university degree. You have to be able to open your eyes and see the whole picture. So to add to the age-old quote - don't judge a book by it's cover, I will add, don't judge a person by their career.

Behold my eye?!

It's another boring day at work today, but I am stoked that it's Friday! It's raining outside so I don't wish I was out there doing anything and besides I'm pretty much getting paid to write in my blog!

So my thoughts today are once again about the opposite sex (surprised?). I know you are all aware of the saying 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder'. Now I do agree with this, seeing as though some of the guys I find attrative, my friends do not (some have even gone as far as calling them meat heads). Wouldn't it be funny if some of my exes actually read this! HA!

Okay so, none of us are the same, personality, style, or look-wise. Unless of course you are a twin or believe in the craziness that is happening on the show 'lost' - where everyone has a twin on the opposite side of the world somewhere. That's a whole other blog though. Anyway, I personally think style speaks loudly of someone's personality. I'm not saying that clothes make a person but they definitely can give an insight or preview to a fraction of the person's personality.

For the most part, even though we may say we don't have a type of person we are attracted to there is a style that you would be more attracted to. I know that I am, and I pretty much go for similar styles or types of guys every time. So if we all have our own style, and are attracted to a certain style then you really can say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. However this makes me wonder does my personal style attract the type of guy I'm attracted to? Maybe I'm attracted to a style of guy who is not attracted to my style of girl. Sort of a twisty thought isn’t it?!

My quick solution, open your eyes and appreciate all styles or dye your hair blue and hope it causes more attraction to you! HA!

Monks at work

So it’s been a while since my last posting but that doesn’t mean I didn’t have anything to say (not often am I at a lose for words)! I've been busy moving and sun tanning on the beautiful beach in Montego Bay (back to reality now though).

So now, I’m actually sitting at work somewhat meditating. Sounds pretty monk-like don’t you think? Speaking of monks, there is a guy at work who just got back from Thailand. He’s a 40-year-old dork (read: absolute pathetic loser) who goes for beautiful women between the ages of 23-30 yrs old. He however is not beautiful -personatlity or look-wise. He wears his pants way too high (he almost doesn’t need a shirt) and has tuffs of hair on his head. Well not anymore, the tuffs are gone! He comes back from Thailand and he is now a new born monk! He’s completely bald and probably has a cloak. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not knocking monks, just this guy! J

Maybe that should be something I start to ponder about my life… my judgmental attitude! HA! No way. I’m only judgmental when the subject warrants it!

Now back to my busy day at work (seriously just finished painting my nails). I realized not too long ago that I need a change in my life. I contemplated moving out of Halifax (big change) but ended up moving out of my parents place (Dartmouth) to Clayton Park (Halifax). I’m happy with this decision but still not satisfied which means to me something else needs to change. I’m still not sure what my next change will be however I did dye my hair blue and black last night so maybe that’s a step towards something. I’m pretty much ready for anything right now so bring it on!

X’d Out

Just when you think you’ve escaped the ex in all ways his hairy little face pops up. These days it doesn’t even have to be in person to mean anything. Isn’t it funny how when two people break up now (in the computer generation) you can’t just stop calling them and avoid the bar you met him in! We now have to delete him off our cell phone, our hotmail address book, and our msn list. We add them to every impersonal avenue in our lives just to ‘X’ them out after a few months.

In this computer generation we can now date online, which is like choosing the good non-bruised apple from the heap at the grocery store. However, you have to know you want an apple and not an orange or banana.

So is this online dating scene supposed to make this chase easier? The bar scene creates a stereotype in my mind – all the guys are sleazy and are looking for a hussy. The online scene makes me think, is this a last resort type of deal? The ones that can’t get laid create an online profile? Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying either of these are true. I have had a profile on an online site and I do go to bars. In the end I consider myself to be a classy relationship type of girl (but I also know how to dance on the speaker like no other).

So when did my mind or biological clock take over and tell me to look for the relationship with meaning and ignore with disgust the fun filled night of simple flirting? Should I presume the fun flirty girl been x’d out of my own life?

Magical abrupt wrinkles

This weekend was a pretty low-key weekend. Normally my girls and me would start the pre-drinking festivities at around 8 or 9 pm. This Saturday I didn’t even step into the shower until 9pm. We opted for a casual night (I was driving) and had planned to check out a few ‘new’ places. By new I mean, new to us, as we are creatures of habit and after this weekend I know why.

10:30 pm we arrive at the Peel Pub looking sexy as ever. The DJ was playing ol’ school hip-hop (Oh yes, some Biggy and Snoop). We selectively chose a table away from the young hoes bags who were close to the male burley bouncer. It took 20 minutes just to order our drinks so we started an intellectual conversation, which turned into a combination of yelling and lip reading as the music started to seem louder and louder as the minutes passed. After drinking our beer and demolishing our nachos and cheese we head off to the next stop.

12:05 am we are wind blown to Peddlers pub only to find out we need to pay cover and get a stamp as if we are entering this suave nightclub. It’s a pub with a female singer who resembled Melissa Ethridge a little too much (it was a tad scary the resemblance). We feel old yet again as we look around at the young boys and girls. We decide at this time we need something familiar and within our age group to end the night so we don’t in turn end our lives.

12:55 am we arrive at the Lower Deck. Things start to pick up as we sneak in for free since the bouncer was busy putting some drunken fool in the chokehold. We grab a beer and a table so we can ‘people watch’ for the last hour the bar is open. Instantaneously we felt young again as we spot some cougars trashily flirting with anything that resembled the male species. The grand finale of the evening consisted of us getting approached by 3 young men (read 21 year old boys). Now you think this would make you feel young especially since they did not believe we were 25. But instead it made me feel old, almost quasi-cougarish. We finish our beer and go home.

As soon as I got home I looked in the mirror and thought, am I old? Do I look my age? It’s 2:20am now and I decide a ‘do it yourself’ facial is a must. I feared the evening just magically put wrinkles on my face and gave me gray hair.

Survey says...

Today during my routine monotonous job where I daily try and find things to occupy my mind to stray from the numbness it would feel by just answering the phone, my friend and I decided to create a survey.

This morning (before my café latte) we came to the conclusion that out of 18 people (co-workers of both sexes) there are 3 single girls. Being the intelligent women that we are we asked our co-workers where they met their match being either a boyfriend or girlfriend a fiancé or spouse. To my surprise the winning category indicated the majority of them met at school or work. The second favorite was at a bar or party (a lot of us already know the bad odds on this situation), and third was through friends. I agree completely with the friends’ connection, but in some cases this is a lost cause as well (especially when most of your friends are girls with the exception of a few scattered ex-boyfriends that you’ve kept in touch with).

The number one place to meet somewhat boggles my mind for the simple fact that I’ve heard so many people warn me about dating a co-worker. I can understand why they warned me of this seeing as though you’d have to cope with working with one another if the relationship ended. Or even worse if the relationship became hostile because of lying, cheating or one of those other nasty relationship breakers, then you’d still have to muster up the strength to not kill each other daily from 9-5. However, after viewing the fabulous results to this perfected survey, which indicated the top place to meet your future mate, is at work I think to myself, why the hell not? If work really is the relationship vineyard I say take your chances and taste the wine!

Welcome to my Blog

I usually write for myself, meaning I write as a release. Sometimes when I read my thoughts they actually hit home harder. It's almost a way of seeing the big picture as an outsider when you're the one in the situation.

My blog will be my opinions, questions, and in general, my thoughts. If others have anwsers, comments or suggestions to anything I post, opinions are always welcome (unless they are bad ;)

My intention is not to be offensive, judgemental or to sound bitter (although it may seem that way sometimes). So I hope you all enjoy reading these as much as I'll enjoy writing them.